As Evan's first birthday has been approaching, I've found myself reflecting back on all that we've been through in the past year. Mostly I was replaying our time in the hospital for his birth (in which I often re-read "Evan's Birth Story" to help remind me of some forgotten details), as well as other moments that took place in those early weeks after coming home with our new bundle of joy. The first night home with him, the first bath, the first stroll outside...all seem like distant memories now. However, I'm glad I've been journaling about it all in this blog, as I can easily go back and relive those moments by reading old posts. :)
I've also found myself remembering the time, just minutes after he was born, when he first latched on to nurse (and how strange and slightly painful it felt) as I now near the time that I will begin to wean him from breastfeeding. It has become so natural for him and I both now, and as much as I have not enjoyed pumping (and all the things that go along with pumping, such as washing pump parts, bottles, and always making sure to pack every part so that I don't get left stranded at work without being able to pump!), I have come to really appreciate the time we spend together while nursing. I'm afraid I really don't have enough milk supply for him anymore though, and after my trip to Europe this past week most all of my frozen supply is depleted now too (and we even already had to augment that with whole cow's milk, which he seems to take very easily). I'm still not sure when will be the last time, but I'm really starting to cherish every nursing session as if it could be the last.
Evan's grown so big now, however, that even during nursing he can barely fit cradled in my arms in our nursing chair, while he could easily be cradled in just one arm when he was a newborn. I look at his chubby long legs and can barely remember how tiny his legs once were. He often uses his hand motor skills to play with my hair or explores my face by sticking his fingers in my mouth, playing with my lips, teeth, or tongue (yes, even my tongue!). He's grown so much that he touches the foot rest of the jogging stroller now, as well as his feet can rest on the chair that our high chair seat sits on! When I'm shopping and walk by the infant section, it is hard for me to see the newborn clothes and remember that Evan used to fit into them. They seem so tiny and remind me more of baby doll clothes, than something my little boy once fit into. I also remember a lot of times when he'd pee on us during a diaper change, the first of which happened to John and I couldn't stop laughing. Now he rarely does that, but instead wants to squirm off the changing pad, making it hard to get a diaper back on!
I've always been a pretty sentimental person, who might be known to make big deals out of milestones in life, so it only makes sense that I would dwell on this big milestone in my son's life. Yet, it's also a milestone in my life as it means I've been a mother for a whole year already now too. And while you'd think that would have sunk in for me by now, I still find it surreal when I think that "I'm a mom". I know I am, as I've seriously bonded with the cutest little baby boy on the planet who I happened to give birth to, yet that notion that I am a mother still seems strange to me. Maybe it's because I lived so many years of my life as a non-mother that it just takes time to get used to the new title, or maybe because I feel like I still have so much yet to learn about being a mom?
Either way, while I do still have a lot to learn about parenting and being a mother, what I've learned so far is that I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything in the world. Evan has been the biggest blessing in my life (along with John) and I love every minute of being Evan's mom, even when sometimes I don't really believe that I am a mom! Maybe the main reason I don't believe it is because it's been so great and gone so fast that sometimes it is hard to comprehend it's been real! It really has been a dream come true to have Evan and John in my life, and so I think I can easily say that this past year has been the best year of my life yet. Life is good when you're in love!
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